They don't explain what's happening, they don't care if you understand or know what's killing your friend, sister, mom, brother, uncle. They just start treating you and that's that.
Hopefully you start feeling better and hopefully you get to leave and go home. Or they'll hide the REAL diagnosis from you and you continue wondering and looking for solutions for a fever when it's actually tuberculosis or HIV or several illnesses.
I've spent a lot time over the last 2 weeks or so with Beth, who works with us. She lost her mom a few weeks ago and it has been a roller coaster of painful emotions. (Some day I hope she'll let me share her story from the beginning.)
I tried to just imagine how she is feeling and my heart is broken of her. Even at nearly 33 years old, I think about my mom and need her all the time. To not have her there...my eyes well up with tears just trying to type that. So imagine Beth, who lost her father and now her mother, at the young age of 25. It's painful to watch.
However, the cultural part of death here is kind of beautiful in itself. I stayed with Beth at her older brother's house for 5 days, sleeping in the living room with her and her 2 older sisters. They received visitors that would also stay and sleep on the floor, outside, on the veranda...wherever there was a place to stretch out.
We all cried, ate, rested and mourned together. No one was bothered about looking good - in fact, it's customary for the family not to shower until after the burial. The family truly mourns and everyone around them just helps and lets them grieve.
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| My amazing team: Beth, Me, Gildo, Junior |
Seven days after her mom passed, we went back to her brother's house, stayed the night and went to the cemetery at 4am to pray. Many of the same people at the burial were with us on this day, too.
While it was difficult to watch Beth pass through this, I saw a beautiful sense of community. I also learned to sit with someone in their pain and discomfort without doing or saying anything - just being there.
That's something I have a really hard tim doing as I'm a very emotional person. I feel everything so deeply that I can't help but cry in these kinds of situations. So when someone else is grieving, I tend to keep a distance and try to love them at an arms length. But this was different. I couldn't let beth walk through it alone.
Even now, several weeks later, I find myself checking on her, trying to spend more time with her, include her in whatever I'm doing. I find that the month of October has been a notoriously difficult month every year for me, for at least the last 6 years. I have felt like I'm barely keeping my head above water lately and my heart feels heavy and burdened by so many things.
By spending more time with Beth, our team has become closer and more supportive of one another. We're becoming more and more like a family each day. While I can't share everything with my team or rely on them for ALL of my needs - after all, that's why we need God - I know God sent these people to us and to the kids so we could support, lead and love each other, and show others what it means to LOVE.
I have to say, I've been really challenged in all of this. I'm an extroverted introvert - after too much time around other humans, I start to break down. But God is slowly helping me to change and to accept communal living more and more.
Living in community is not for the faint of heart. I've had to have some tough conversations with myself about how to grow as a leader & how to lead my team well. I'm not a great leader (yet!) but I'm learning and I'm willing to grow and change.
In the next few years, I pray that our team continues to grow and mature in Christ, to grow as leaders, comfort those who've lost everything, like so many of our kids. My hope is that we can be a beacon of light, of hope, an example in our community of what it means to love others and lift one another up.
And as Beth continues to grieve and recover, please pray for her. She's an amazing person with a beautiful heart. She loves our kids so well, and she's walked through some tough stuff in life. She is truly a beautiful example of someone who has faith that things can & will change with hard work and faith.
As for me, pray for contentment. I'm finding myself searching and searching for acceptance when I just need to be reminded that I'm doing great. I'm doing the best I can and it IS good enough.
Thank you for your love & continued prayers and encouragement. I couldn't do it with out you.
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