Sometimes a Good Cry is All You Need

Dory got it right in Finding Nemo - "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming..."

Don't stop moving and you won't have to think, feel or reason. So keep moving, keep trucking along, and refuse to slow down.

As soon as I'm forced to slow down, it happens. E.V.E.R.Y. S.I.N.G.L.E. T.I.M.E. I start thinking and overthinking. 

It happened just last week. I actually had time to reflect at my favorite place on earth: the beach. The sand and sun and salt are all this girl needs. (Can I getta Amen?!)

But it turns out, I start thinking too much. And then feeling, ugh. It's so much easier to stuff emotions & feelings away for another day, another time.

Despite my best efforts to force the feelings back in the closet, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's been too long and I had some stuff to deal with. 

Either way, all the emotions from what feels like the entire year of 2018 came flooding at me. I cried and laughed and smiled when the whole year rushed over me in a 5-minute video reel through my mind. 

This year Last year was the hardest year I've had in a long time and definitely in my time in Moz. 

So many things made 2018 the year that almost killed me - a new baby alone is hard. Having a human being come outta your body and depend on your boobs for their total sustenance is freaking ridiculous. Hands down the hardest of all hard in the world. 

And let's not even talk about lack of sleep. Just (yawn) don't.

Pile on top of that growing an organization, growing kids, growing needs, and overall growing pains. And then there's a marriage, too, somewhere in-between all of that. Oh, and Jesus.

Add in a bout of near liver failure thanks to my least favorite friend of the year - malaria - and you may feel like I felt as the emotions rushed out: Beat. Tired. Crushed. Shaken. Relieved. 

I cried. I walked as far as I reasonably could away from my running, swimming, screaming, happy kids, and I cried. 

I cried for the lost opportunities, the lost time, the things I wish I would've done differently. I cried with relief and thanks that my liver didn't fail and I didn't die. 

I cried for the moments that I felt defeated, like I wasn't enough. I cried for the days I wished I was a better mom, a better wife, a better boss, a better follower of Christ. 

I cried for myself - how I'm my own worst critic and should be full of grace for myself first. 

I cried for the moments I missed with my niece who'll be 3 before I get to hold her.

I cried for the family gatherings we missed out on and the grandchild my dad has yet to meet. 

I cried for all the triumphs and joys and lessons and grace and love that God gave us last year. 

And you know what? It felt so good to (ugly) cry. It felt so good to let the tears go, along with all the feelings I'd untidily shoved into a tiny corner of my heart during the busiest, most challenging year of my life so far.

After a good 10-15 minutes, I felt cleansed and refreshed. Can you imagine how good 2018 would've been had I done that a few times - 15 minutes to take care of myself before anyone else?

That's what 2019 is all about for us around here. Wisdom.

Let me take what I've learned over the last 32+ years on this planet and put it to use. I'm going to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my little loves. 

I think resolutions are hard and overrated, but more wisdom is what 2019 is all about for me. 

"Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold."

Proverbs 3: 13 & 14

I hope you find your own silver for the year, too.

Cheers,

Laura