Parenting a Tweenager...

The challenges of parenting someone else’s child from age 12 or 13 never really crossed my mind as we began receiving children earlier this year. Yes, of course, the thought of raising a child who had already been through many things we would never know or fully understand, DID cross my mind. But the fact that a child could already be so mistreated, formed in horrible ways & conditions, didn’t always come to mind. This is now at the forefront of my daily thinking.

We’ve been having many challenges with one of our girls, Carolina. We call her Lina for short. Lina seems to think she’s already an adult. However, in her culture, this is pretty much a fact. At age 13 or 14, girls are married off and begin having babies a year or so later. The women are expected to do everything, from cooking, hauling water, caring for the children, to providing for the family, farming by hand, and looking after their elderly family members.

The fact the Lina thinks she is an adult has been a bit of a double edged sword. We’re both trying to look at the positives – she is helpful, smart, and always wants to care for her younger ones. On the other hand, she is also defiant at times, and does things we’ve asked her not to do, even after we’ve talked about it over and over again.

We’re certainly NOT frustrated with her, as we know she’s only lived with us for a few months and she needs more care & guidance than she was given for the first 12 or 13 years of her life. Rather than fighting to survive and live to see another day, she now has some security that her basic needs are being met, and I’m sure she will begin to flourish & mature the way she should. Spending more and more time with her has become our goal.

The rest of our kids sometimes follow Lina’s lead, so we’re trying to figure out how to deter the negative behaviors & encourage the good habits she has created. When Lina goes left, Fatima & Marieta are sure to follow; making sure we all set a good example for the youngest amongst us is really important. Ali is pretty independent and likes to make up his own mind. He is pretty content playing Legos with Jadon & Naro, or building his “casa” (house) as he always says, when playing with the big blocks.

Marieta, Lina, Fatima, Ali & Jadon enjoying their first popsicle of the hot season!

Despite some of the minor challenges we face, we are blessed with great kids. At times we forget that they’ve been raised their whole lives with their parents & other relatives, but we are reminded by their actions that they are still kids. There is still time to help teach them right from wrong, good from bad, and that as their parents for now, we only want what’s best for each of them.

As we continue with the kiddos we have, we are awaiting a few new arrivals, but we really have no idea when they’ll be coming to us. There are 3 children who have lost their mother & father, and their neighbor is currently caring for all of them. We are unable to reach the children due to the roads being in such poor condition. However, our long time friend, Antonio, has been out to visit the children & community to ensure they're being cared for. He as able to take some rice & beans out to the family help them take the best care of the children as they can. We're hoping to see them in the next few weeks.

So there you have it – our daily learning curve, out for the world to read. I hope it doesn’t sound like we’re discouraged, but more that I want to be real. There are days when I feel like we don’t know what we’re doing or I feel inadequate. Other days, we both feel like we’ve tackled every challenge like champs & the kids are better for it.

There are no shortages of struggles and challenges, but these are usually balanced by really wonderful days & fun memories with our kids. I’ll never forget the first smile we saw after weeks of averting our eyes, or the first belly laugh.

I’ll never forget helping Ali with his first bath, with hot water. I’ll never forget how he smiled so big when he got a new pair of shoes, and how he cried when he’d have to take them off. These are truly the moments we live for. Even if they were few and far between, we would continue on if only in anticipation of another joyful moment.

What the Future Holds

Our kids are awesome. Smart, funny, playful, loud, expressive, goofy, mature...the list could just go on and on. But I noticed something really important the other day that I didn't notice before I'd been away from them for a while - they're all growing up. Yikes.

This simple fact freaked me out a little bit. How was it possible that Jadon & Naro will be starting 3rd grade in a few weeks?! How is it possible that Ali is speaking more than ever and his Portuguese is actually understandable at this point?!

How is it that Lina is helping in the kitchen and wants to help make the dog feed every day?! How is it possible that Marieta is almost as tall as Fatima and she's growing even faster?! And Fatima - how is it possible that this girl is coming out of her shell and talking and excited about life?! It's a far cry from how we met her.

With the excitement of how much each of our kids has changed since they came to live with us (Ali has been here almost 7 months; the girls have been here almost 4), I'm often plagued by the thought of having to let them go at some point. Our goal is to match kiddos with local families so they can live in a family environment, within their own culture, and still have all the love & security that any child needs. 

Quick side note: International adoption is somewhat difficult and the waters are a bit muddy still to us, so as time progresses I'm sure we'll get to the point of being able to sort out the intricacies of the process. If you live in Mozambique as a resident, it's fairly straight forward. However, it seems that the only current way to adopt is by living in the country for at least 6 months to a year.

The very thought, though, of trying to find a home for any of them breaks my heart. I wish I could keep each one, watch them grow, encourage them, love them, provide for them. But I know this is part of the plan - help them adjust to a different life, help them move to a permanent home, and if we're able, we can keep a relationship with them. 

It would be selfish, really, to think that we can provide everything for each child, all the time. We're only 2. There will be many more who need a mom and dad, too. We can't have 20 children and expect them all to feel our love, feel valued, as they would in a smaller family environment. 

While it's hard to fathom life without any of the kids now that they are like our own, I know it's all part of the process. It WILL be hard when the time comes, but we'll have others who desperately need a place to live, parents to love them, and a foundation to grow upon. There will never be a time when we don't have kids to help & love.

For the time being, I'm soaking up all that God is doing in each child. I'm soaking up the intelligent people they are becoming. I'm enjoying their giggles and funny songs and silly games. I'm even enjoying the crying, acting out and small fights that break out from time to time. They'll only be ours for a while so we're making the most of their time here.

4 Weeks Too Long

I can't believe how fast 4 weeks went. Getting on that plane in Durango felt so right, though, just as it always does when we leave to go back to what we joke is our "bush life." Leaving my crying parents at the gate is always hard, but part of me simply knows that Mozambique is our home and that's where my life & my heart now live.

My flight to Denver was easy & quick. I had a red eye to NYC from Denver, and I was the lucky lady in the exit row, all by myself. So needless to say, I stretched out and slept like a big baby. 

I landed at La Guardia on Tuesday morning, collected all 5 of my ginormous and overweight bags, and took the shuttle to JFK. At JFK, I spent over an hour arguing over luggage fees and after some tears of frustration, a South African Airways manager saved the day and I didn't have to pay any extra baggage fees. 

I'd already paid in Durango but apparently South African wouldn't see any of that money, even though they carried my bags the longest. That manager was an angel, to say the least. I cried, she hugged me, and reminded me there are so many awful things in this world that we have to help each other. 

The coolest part of all was I meet a man and his 2 kids who were heading to Beira, a gorgeous coastal town in central Mozambique. He told me that if the manager couldn't figure it out, he would pay for my bags. I feel like God personally held my hand through that leg of the journey. I was so tired, super hungry, and I just wanted to get on my longest flight that would at least get me back on the right continent. 

After checking my bags, I waited over an hour to get through security at JFK and then of course, they had to go through all of my carry on luggage, too. It was just one of those mornings. 

I speed walked my butt over to a breakfast joint by my gate, grabbed the last bacon and egg sandwich I'd eat for a while, and savored every bite. I chugged 2 big bottles of water and went to the bathroom to freshen up. The next thing I knew, I was tucked away in an aisle seat ready for a 15 hour flight to Joberg.

I've never really enjoyed those long flights but if they save me long airport layovers and extra hours on another plane, I'll do it. I just make nice with the staff in the common areas, walk the aisles, try to sleep, and watch a few movies. 

After spending one night in South Africa, I'm was back on the final flight to Nampula. We make a quick pit stop in a little town called Tete where we are stamped into the country, shuffled bags around and then quickly got back on the plane. 

Landing in Tete always makes me a little nervous. They tend to make a little trouble regarding bringing a lot of items into the country. Most custom officials could care less that we are a children's home, helping children who aren't being cared for. Many look at my skin color and want to get their payday, too. I'll let you know how it all goes down.

The customs officers had their hands so full they had no time to bother anyone. They scanned my bags and saw I had an imac in one. I chatted with the customs chief and he asked me why I have a computer. I explained and he told me to take my bags, drop them at the door, and wait to get back on the plane. You have no idea how miraculous this was! Like I said, it's like God held my hand until I got home.

Seeing these faces made my whole YEAR!

We ran back to our plane, and took the short hour long trip to Nampula. We landed, and there he was - my night in shining armor. I've never been so happy to see my man. I cried and couldn't let him go. We grabbed my bags, and went out to the car Phil borrowed from a friend. (Our truck starter conveniently went out on Sunday.) 

We picked Jadon up from the bus stop and I felt like my whole heart would explode. When we got home about 15 minutes later, and I hugged all my other babies, I finally felt home. This is home. 

I can't explain to you how amazingly Phil held down the fort. The house was in great shape, the kids were happy and healthy, and so helpful. I really married up. He's one of a kind. 

So, now to settle back into our routine; it's way past my bedtime. Thankfully, all 6 kiddos are tucked in bed and sound asleep. I still have lunches to pack and dishes to do but I'm so tired, I may just head to bed. Either way, the world feels right again. It's good to be home.