Break Through

The clouds look like a dark blue cotton candy, fluffy and soft. But they are just threatening and I keep praying the sky would just unleash the rain we desperately need. It doesn’t. The pattern continues – they clouds move together, dark and BIG, threatening to rain; the wind begins to howl, violently blowing dust into the hot, thick air. We race outside to pull the clothes off the line before they end up in the red, sandy dirt. The temperature drops slightly and then suddenly, the wind stops and the threatening rain never comes. The lightening and thunder continues for a few minutes and soon, the silence returns. In the morning, the clouds hang around for a bit, and then the heat & sun burn them away.

The lack of rain reminds me of anxiously waiting for a break through in life. It seems like the break through is coming and then…nope. It doesn’t work out, the break through doesn’t happen, and you’re left impatiently waiting.

The weather reflects exactly how I feel at this very moment. Everything we need to happen quickly isn’t working out. Our own efforts aren’t working because everything we are waiting on is out of our own control. We feel like we can help push things to happen – like the few things left to do so we can move into the children's home. The plumber keeps running away, our blocks aren’t ready so we can’t finish up the fence, and the water isn’t running in the house yet because once again, the plumber can’t seem to work a full day.

All of these things are so incredibly frustrating. We were hoping to be IN the children’s home this last weekend. We were hoping to at least be in the first floor, available 24 hours a day, watching over everything so the consistent theft we’ve been experiencing might actually stop for a while. But it’s not working out in our own time. Each day it seems like it will be weeks or months until we can get into the home and start preparing for the kids who will become ours.

While we know there are only 3 major things keeping us from moving in: sewer system hook ups, water hook ups, and raising our fence higher, it’s becoming difficult for me to have any kind of patience. I’m becoming anxious and I can’t seem to chill out. I’m trying to keep myself occupied with our end of year giving campaigns and Giving Tuesday that’s coming up next week, but it just isn’t enough.

As I was doing my daily Bible study (that I don’t normally get done DAILY) yesterday morning, I came across this Nelson Mandela quote:

Okay – reality check. It’s my CHOICE to feel anxious and annoyed that everything isn’t going my way. This is not some set fact that I have no choice in. I have the choice to make the most of the situation. Maybe God is allowing this time for me to rest a bit and to stop worrying. And, the world doesn’t revolve around us.

Yes, our motives aren’t because of something selfish – we want to prepare the home to receive kids who are orphans – but it’s not about our own timing. Waiting is really difficult but there is always a lesson to be learned during those frustrating times. I’m learning that I’m not as patient as I think I am, and I need to work on this. I’m also learning that it makes no sense for me to be focused on something I can’t control. Focus on something else!

So while we wait for the plumber today, I’m going over to visit our neighbors. One of our neighbors had surgery for prostate cancer and he’s doing really well but he’s not eating much. Another neighbor is fighting AIDS in its advanced stages & we're working together to make a plan for her children when she is gone. Another neighbor has a daughter with malaria who doesn’t seem to be getting better after multiple trips to the hospital.

I already know what’s going to happen when I go see my neighbors – I’ll forget that I’m annoyed. We’ll talk and they’ll laugh and correct my crappy Portuguese, and then I’ll ask questions, ask about their kids, we’ll talk about the weather and how the year is quickly coming to an end. They’ll tell me about those who are sick and in need, those who have lost children or relatives. And I’ll try to pray for them in Portuguese, I’ll end up praying in English, and then we’ll part ways. At the end of the day, I won’t remember how frustrated and anxious I felt this morning. And I hope that’s what happens because it’s not about me. 

Here's to making choices based on my hopes and not my fears - or my bad attitude. 

Hugs, 

Phil & Laura, and Jadon, too