Heavy lifting

I just want to crawl under my sheets, block out the light streaming in from the windows, and cry like the tired, overwhelmed & devastated baby that I feel like right now.

Is it possible for one’s heart to literally break? I feel like the very fibers of my precious organ are pulling apart, one by one. With each piece of bad news, my ugly crying threatens to take over.

My eyes can’t seem to hide the tiredness & weariness my heart feels. This dream, the desire to help and learn and grow and walk through the messiness of life with those in need, seems too difficult to continue on days like today.

I’m not sure what is causing the heaviness I feel on my heart today. We’ve been traveling for the last 3 weeks working out some issues of documents & car problems, and I was so thrilled to be back home with our babies. But the more I learn about what takes place on this side of the world, the more my heart aches for the structured chaos of my former Western life.

The amount of suffering in the world is incomprehensible for me today. In Mozambique alone, I see so much corruption, extortion, physical suffering, and shattering hopelessness. As a foreigner living here, we are often seen as the “haves,” which really IS true, isn’t it?

The reason we keep going...

In a country where many have corrupted, stolen, exploited and covered the eyes of the owners of the land, this seems almost like normal behavior. I can’t even fault someone for wanting to get ahead by any means possible.

I’m a white, American female, so naturally I’m used to justice. Feeling injustice is one of the most beautifully painful parts of this life here. The majority of the world experiences injustices every second of the day, but my privilege has allowed me to experience otherwise.

I’ve never suffered in my life. I’ve never had to look death in the face. I’ve never known true hunger or thirst – physical, emotional or spiritual. But I’ve seen the way hearts are hardened by suffering, which makes all of these awful ways of exploiting others seem like acceptable behavior.

This work can feel so isolating sometimes, but I know the purpose of us being here. It’s not for our own good or our own comfort. I knew exactly what I was walking into when we made this leap.

I knew there would be difficulties, hard days and unexplainable experiences that most couldn’t relate to. But God is sovereign & he knows exactly why each detail works out exactly how it does.

While my heart aches today, I’m reminded that in all the good, bad and ugly in this world, there is still hope. Even when I feel inconsolable, God has the strength & restoring love I need. I’m digging a little deeper into him today as I sort through these emotions. Because in a world full of unbearable pain, the only thing left to do is pray until it hurts.