I just want to crawl under my sheets, block out the light
streaming in from the windows, and cry like the tired, overwhelmed &
devastated baby that I feel like right now.
Is it possible for one’s heart to literally break? I feel
like the very fibers of my precious organ are pulling apart, one by one. With
each piece of bad news, my ugly crying threatens to take over.
My eyes can’t seem to hide the tiredness & weariness my
heart feels. This dream, the desire to help and learn and grow and walk through
the messiness of life with those in need, seems too difficult to continue on
days like today.
I’m not sure what is causing the heaviness I feel on my
heart today. We’ve been traveling for the last 3 weeks working out some issues
of documents & car problems, and I was so thrilled to be back home with our
babies. But the more I learn about what takes place on this side of the world,
the more my heart aches for the structured chaos of my former Western life.
The amount of suffering in the world is incomprehensible for
me today. In Mozambique alone, I see so much corruption, extortion, physical
suffering, and shattering hopelessness. As a foreigner living here, we are often
seen as the “haves,” which really IS true, isn’t it?
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| The reason we keep going... |
In a country where many have corrupted, stolen, exploited
and covered the eyes of the owners of the land, this seems almost like normal
behavior. I can’t even fault someone for wanting to get ahead by any means
possible.
I’m a white, American female, so naturally I’m used to
justice. Feeling injustice is one of the most beautifully painful parts of this
life here. The majority of the world experiences injustices every second of the
day, but my privilege has allowed me to experience otherwise.
I’ve never suffered in my life. I’ve never had to look death
in the face. I’ve never known true hunger or thirst – physical, emotional or
spiritual. But I’ve seen the way hearts are hardened by suffering, which makes
all of these awful ways of exploiting others seem like acceptable behavior.
This work can feel so isolating sometimes, but I know the
purpose of us being here. It’s not for our own good or our own comfort. I knew
exactly what I was walking into when we made this leap.
I knew there would be difficulties, hard days and unexplainable
experiences that most couldn’t relate to. But God is sovereign & he knows
exactly why each detail works out exactly how it does.
While my heart aches today, I’m reminded that in all the
good, bad and ugly in this world, there is still hope. Even when I feel
inconsolable, God has the strength & restoring love I need. I’m digging a
little deeper into him today as I sort through these emotions. Because in a
world full of unbearable pain, the only thing left to do is pray until it
hurts.
