HOW?!

Since making the decision to follow our calling without having all of the answers or even so much know how we're going to get to Mozambique, I started feeling overwhelmed. I think this is a perfectly normal response whenever a big decision is made in anyone's life, but I felt so overwhelmed my chest started to tighten up, and suddenly I felt as though I couldn't breath. I really had to stop and take a really focused, deep breath before I could I manage to calm myself down. I couldn't comprehend what it was that we had actually decided to do. I felt as though we have been called, so now we just go. Seemed simple enough at the time, right?

Uh, no. Totally wrong. I still don't think I have completely comprehended what is about to happen. "Stepping out in faith" feels like something that is said by those who have done something like this before - something so life changing you wouldn't be able to understand until you have walked where their feet have been. I want to feel like I have done this before, like I have completely stepped out in faith without holding back.

I spent some time reflecting on times in my life, or in the life of my small family, when we have walked out our faith or walked blindly and trusted God. I honestly feel like quitting my job and moving back to Colorado last year was a huge leap of faith. We had no idea where we were going to live, I didn't have a job, we didn't have a school lined up for Jadon, and we had no idea what we were going to do with all of our stuff if we couldn't find a place to live quickly. But I put in about a months notice at work, my brother & sister-in-law opened their home to us, and I began putting my resume out into Northern Colorado. It was a scary & big step, but God saw us through it all. And, after a short 2 months, we were home owners in a small, safe and beautiful community near work, the mountains and the city! It was a huge blessing to have God walk us through the home buying process.

I remember when I was about 14, I was having a lot of issues and I went to my family doctor. I was told at 14 that it would be really difficult for me to have children, if at all. I didn't worry about it until about 7 years later, when I married my love and we began talking about having a baby. I was sure it would take many years of trying and testing & being poked and prodded. But we trusted God would grow our family in His time, and in His way - either through adoption or a child grown from our bodies. In a few short weeks, we found out we were expecting our little man.

I keep thinking of these major miracles God has worked in our lives. But moving away from our families, moving away from everything I know and into a complete unknown is very different. Not to mention the fact that we will miss out on a lot - weddings, funerals, bridal showers, new babies, new families, and so much more. We will miss the beautiful parts of life and the ugly disappointments of life. But I think this is the least we can do. Jesus died for us, so that we would have life - so we could be free to live and love others, and show the world how much Jesus loves us. The least I can do is give up my life to this calling - to this project & mission that is impossible on my own, but possible with God.

I don't think we'll know what is ahead for us, or be prepared to face many of the challenges we will be presented with early on. Relying on God will be the only way to get anything accomplished. I know that my education and my experience in child welfare may prepare a small part of me for what we will see, but it won't prepare us for the sacrifices we will make, the pain we will feel when one of the children we serve dies, or when we witness heart wrenching cases of abuse or neglect.

I'm not writing this to glorify what we are doing, or to complain about what we will miss by leaving a comfortable life in the U.S. I am, however, just trying to process through how this will all work out. I don't know how we will afford plane tickets, how we will afford to live in Mozambique, how we will move all of our stuff from our home to another country, 10,000 miles away. I wonder if we'll be around to help my parents when they grow old, if I'll meet my nieces and nephews, if I'll get to see my sister get married or watch my brother get married.

I don't have any of the answers. I'm not even sure how we will fulfill our financial obligations in the next few months to come due to oil & gas plummeting so Phil was laid off 2 weeks ago. BUT!! What I do know is this:

GOD IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF THIS. GOD KNOWS - HE WILL LEAD, HE WILL PROVIDE, HE WILL DIRECT & HE WILL BLESS.

There will be frustrating times ahead, there is no doubt. There will be times of questioning, worry & stress. There will be sadness, anger, injustice and defeat. But more than anything, I look forward to the small triumphs. If there is anything I'm learning through this whole process it is this:  I look forward to God growing us, and humbling us. Relying on God to meet our needs requires so much faith. But in 28 years, God has never let me or my family go without anything, even in the most difficult times.

The adventure begins now, and even if we don't have all the answers to the HOW questions, we don't have to worry about it. God said go, so we're going and trusting that he will provide. And, He will, because He always has.